It was a rough night last night babygirl... and we already knew you'd been having trouble sleeping, but we figured it was just the change in routine and being away from your own bed this time. Just before Christmas, we noticed we could hear you messing around in your room after bedtime. Often at 3 in the morning, you'd be sitting wide awake in your crib. You wouldn't cry or do anything, just sit there and play with your blankets. We saw how exhausted you were and we bought a video monitor to try and figure it out, because if we physically came into the room, you would scream and scream the next time we left and we would all end up being awake half the night.
For 2 weeks now, daddy has been walking you in the stroller here at the Ronald McDonald House because you simply won't sleep. We would get you to sleep, and you'd either wake up (and refuse to fall back asleep) or you'd never get sound enough asleep and you'd just be restless and miserable. Last night we put you in your pack and play and for 30 minutes, in the pitch black, with no toys or anything..... you made sounds with your mouth and laid there yelling and messing around. All while you were completely just exhausted. You started to cry finally, so we got you out and just put you in bed with us and watched you. It turns out, a lot of your little hand and foot motions that are so subtle during the day are getting much more extreme at night.
I don't think I will ever forget the feeling of you laying between us, both your little legs just flexing and relaxing, over and over and over for so long that I realized there was no way you could be doing it on purpose. Your little hands too, were twisting and rubbing on everything - your hair, face, dad's shirt... you couldn't help it. It was so obvious that you needed and wanted to sleep but your body won't let you. I'm going to fix it baby, mommy will find out why your body is doing this and get you some medicine so you can rest again.
Its not fair, everything is already SO hard for you - and now you've been doing it all on only a couple hours of sleep a night. Its stressing everyone out, especially daddy, because he is spending hours in the middle of the night, just pushing you in your stroller until you finally just pass out from exhaustion. I want to make it all better for you, but Audrina needs me too at the hospital, and Brooklyn and Lily aren't used to me not being here. I am so sorry I can't devote every minute of my day to trying to make your life easier because you know I would. Simply put, I'm doing the best I can.
Its been 7 long months since I heard your beautiful little voice whisper "Night-night!" when I tucked you in. Will you talk to us again please? Your doctors all thought you would just start up again one day, and it never happened. Where did all those words go baby? I wish you could tell me what you feel. Do you understand the things I tell you? Daddy and I talk to you so much... you know how much you are loved, I don't doubt that for a second.
You have the most beautiful smile in the world. I like to think God maybe blessed you with this current unawareness... because you've suffered more than any 1 year old ever should have to and you'd never know it from that amazingly happy expression you have. You are so strong, and I am so proud that you're mine. I still have faith that we will figure out a way to make your belly work right, so you can be comfortable, before you are old enough to understand or remember what you've been through.
If you're reading this someday, princess; I knew you could do it. And whatever your limits may be, Daddy and I will be there to help you push right past them. You are loved by a God with no limits.... and while this challenge may have taken us by surprise, it's not a surprise to Him. I struggle to be patient, when I pray for a miracle for you, but lately I find myself thinking that maybe the miracle IS you. I know in time, understanding will come.... I love you, sweet girl. Keep fighting.