This is personal, but I wanted to share it. I want the reality of what our life is like to be portrayed as accurately as possible...so that down the road we may see how truly far we've come. It is also my hope that someone else reads this and says,"Oh, I thought it was just us!"
You aren't alone. I also want everyone to understand that this doesn't mean our marriage is falling apart. We love each other very very much - as I'm sure many of you can tell from our love story I've posted here. We are committed to one another and there's zero chance either of us would ever walk away. My husband wrote so beautifully last night about how we are both feeling. Attention-starved. Beat down. Tired. Tired in a way that makes even kissing your best friend in the world seem like too much work.
It is the nature of our situation. The kids go to bed and I stay up until midnight or later nearly every night just to keep our responsibilities from swallowing us whole. 3 or 4 hours a night doing all the things normal families can take care of during the day. I was a mom of two typical babies before Addison & Audrina came along, so I know what that was like. The girls went to bed and we watched movies, talked about our day, and snuggled up on the couch with a glass of wine. We had regular date nights. I had favorite shows like Desperate Housewives. I haven't watched a single episode since the day Addison was born. Adam worked out everyday because that's something that is important to him. I don't understand when our life became unmanageable for two people. And I am not the only one. There are families all over the country living like this every day too. Moms with 24 hour workdays. Everyday... 365 days a year. I was all gung-ho at first, all 'we can do this!' with all the passion of someone going into battle. But then the war waged on and on...and on. We lost important battles. Each one took a little more from us. Here we are 2 years later, a ghost of our former selves. Surviving. That's about it. Happiness is relative. Short-lived. Its found in our pride when Audrina learns something new. In the funny things Addison says. In hugs from our sweet Lily. In Brooklyn's incredible compassion. In outpouring of kindness from complete strangers. But true happiness and fulfillment evades us at the moment. Because we've learned painfully that tomorrow will be the exact same as today. With new struggles. With added stress. With just enough strength to hold on for another day. But not enough to make progress.
Marriage takes time, patience, and energy invested, something neither of us have extra of right now. Its all we can do to go to work, keep the house under control, the bills paid, and the kids alive.We used to talk frequently about our dreams for when the girls 'got better'. The vacations we would take. The things we would do together... A bucket list of stuff we couldn't wait to do - just the two of us. Those conversations have all but stopped, because we've learned there is no end in sight.
I want to believe God knows many marriages could not handle the intense struggles we have been through in just 2.5 years. Maybe we should consider ourselves blessed with these obstacles. Perhaps we used to. I know someday we will know and understand. But it is so incredibly painful to try and understand why we aren't deserving of even a few hours in the evening together. Why is that too much to ask? How do we ever get back there when things only get harder everyday?
I love Adam more than life itself. He is my soulmate, my best friend, my love and the only reason I am strong enough to face the mountains that lie ahead. I hate that I can't make all our dreams come true. I hate that I feel so helpless and barely able to function myself, let alone invest any of my strength or energy to helping him. I know he feels the same. If a day comes when life hands us an opportunity to spend even a moment just the two of us, without the weight of our world on our shoulder.... it will be treasured. Know that. <3 I miss you too.
"I miss you Kim. I miss us. I miss spending time with you, even if it
was just after the girls were all in bed. I'm tired of being tired all
the time and I am so sick of being stressed out even though God knows we
have every right to be. Every conversation we have is either about
something important, something we have to do, or about bills, or the
kids and their disease. It doesn't feel like we even know each other
I have never stopped loving you during the last 2
crazy years but this entire thing has taken such an extreme toll on me -
on us. I'm whipped. I am cashed out. I wanna throw in the towel. Every
single day it seems like we are presented with new and more difficult
challenges like this is some stupid video game that gets harder as you
survive to the next level. I just feel like we always had each other and
our love to distract us and now we don't even have that.
used to be each others escape from all of this. Now we barely have time
to talk and when we do, I dont even know what we are saying half the
time. I don't know how to fix it and but I'm sad and feel lonely in all
It hasn't once felt like Christmas at
home. I'm not that excited about it whatsoever. I don't know what to do.
I am numb to everything anymore - nothing shocks, surprises or upsets
me anymore because I feel like we've been through it all. I'm just
waiting for the next obstacle. Trying to figure out who it affects and
how we're going to put a bandaid on it for now so we dont let the damn
wheels fall off this thing like they should have done a hundred times by
Our whole life is one long slow-moving train
wreck. We used to be best friends. I am so exhausted and I'm not even
sure I wanna take time to figure out how to deal with it because I keep
telling myself someday we will have time to get all that back. But I
don't know anymore if we will. And I don't know if it will be that easy
after all this time. "