Just before Halloween, Adam came home with a different look on his face. One that terrified me. I knew what was coming but I refused to admit it. I could barely look at him as the words spilled out... "Its not fair to the kids" and "I think we got ahead of ourselves." A million 'I'm sorry's' poured out, but he sat unblinking while I burst into tears. I panicked. The thought of being alone again after being with him, after him helping heal my broken heart, was more than I could bear. It was like ripping off a Band-Aid. He just came home, destroyed everything we had together and walked out. He said it was not right to keep being there for the kids while he was confused about what to do. He said we were too different and we both are so opinionated and stubborn - he felt we would always be fighting. Mostly, he said that he couldn't handle the fact that we just jumped into this with both feet without thinking. Some small part of me knew he was right, that we never got a chance to learn . But how could we? We felt too strongly to hold back.
I hated every
minute of everyday after that.... I kept myself together for the kids
but cried myself to sleep every night once they were snuggled tightly in
bed. He came and picked up the rest of his stuff while I was out one
night. I had bought a huge pack of Twizzlers for him before that horrible day, so I left those
out for him to take with his clothes. I came home to a note in return
thanking me, but nothing left except an empty closet where his clothes had been and a very broken heart.
same friend who had gotten us together in the first place called me a
couple days later, saying she had talked to Adam and he was wondering
how I was doing. For some reason..this infuriated me. He caused my pain, how dare he call to have her check upon me! I sobbed as I angrily spat out, "WHY does he care?!" She confessed later that he had called her and broke down saying, "I think I made a huge mistake..."
My phone rang and my heart both leapt and felt strangled with pain at the same time as I recognized the familiar four letters on the screen. Adam! I contemplated not answering but my curiousity got the better of me. I tried to disguise the fact that I'd been crying. I hoped his first words would be something about how silly this was. But they weren't, and my hopes were dashed quickly as he attempted to smooth things over by justifying all his reasons for breaking up with me. I didn't want to hear it - if it was over, who cares why anymore? I angrily lamented that I hoped he was convincing himself we were wrong for one another better than he was convincing me. The conversation ended with me asking - or perhaps, begging - if we could still be friends.
He made me laugh more than anyone in the world and I couldn't fathom not having his smile to look forward to on a bad day. I still needed a break from my life, that is what attracted me to him that first night in the bar: his ability to make me feel that my life was not over. The thought of finding someone else who I could just be myself around and feel confident, sexy, safe and funny was more than I could bear. So even if it meant that I would never have another forehead kiss or feel his arms encircle me, it was better than nothing... and I knew it. My offer of friendship was laughable. He spoke what I knew in my heart was the truth: We could never just be friends. We were crazy in love and the only way to stop it was to stay the hell away from one another for good.
On Halloween, Adam called and asked if he could stop by to see me before going out. I had decided that a zombie bride was a great way to make light of my situation and was looking forward to a night out with my girlfriends. I was a little bewildered when Batman showed up with a whole entourage of people he was going out with that night. We snapped a few pictures like two awkward teenagers headed to their first homecoming dance. My mom was there and caught my eye with a suspicious glance as she saw who it was. We chatted easily for a minute like the possibility of forever - with or without one another - wasn't hanging in the balance. And just like that, with a half-smile and a "See you later?" he was gone again. Mom laughed and said, "What was that?" I just shook my head, and just bit my lip to avoid flashing a tell-tale grin. She took the girls back to her house for a sleepover.
Later that night, I was having a few drinks at my best friends house. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays and I was determined to hold my head high and have a good time. After recounting the scene at my house to my best friend, we had a laugh and she reassured me everything would work itself out and advised me to just enjoy my night. And I tried, I really did. The next couple of hours were a blur and we truly had a blast. I forced Adam in his Batman costume from my mind.
Then he walked in to that same party. I pouted momentarily, thinking about how awkward the rest of the night would be. It didnt last long, thankfully. He avoided me for the time he was there, though I could feel his eyes on me constantly. I did what all young girls do and pretended I didn't notice or was too drunk to care. A short time later, I saw them gathering up to leave. I squeezed my eyes shut and willed him to hurry up and go, while simultaneously memorizing everything about him since I didn't know when or if I would see him again. I saw him try to make eye contact with me from across the room, so out of pure embarrassment, I turned away and studied a sign on the wall intensely. I felt his touch and could smell his cologne as he grabbed my shoulders and twisted me around to face him. I opened my mouth to demand an explanation, but I didn't have time to think as he kissed me long and hard for what seemed like an eternity. He brushed his lips across my forehead and squeezed my hand in his, then turned and walked out the door as I stood there struggling to catch my breath.
I got a text an hour later, "Snuggle with me tonight? I need you." That was all I needed, despite the wise voice in my head screaming for me to go home alone to avoid getting hurt. I picked him and a couple friends up from the bar and we dropped everyone off and headed silently back to my house. We didn't speak, for fear of saying out loud that this was a bad idea. We held hands and at a stop light, he turned to me and whispered, "I miss you." We curled up in my bed and just held one another all night. I slept with my head against his heart... I knew the morning would come too soon and as much as I refused to face it in that moment, tomorrow, he would be gone again. I was going to hate myself, but it was going to have to wait until his arms weren't holding me like they never wanted to let go. I gave in to the happiness of this feeling and slept peacefully by his side, wishing the sun would never rise.